Solving Christmas
December 23, 2025
It’s December 23, which means it’s time for me to get serious about my Christmas shopping (just kidding) (mostly). So I offer this abbreviated edition of Squirreled as my holiday gift to you and yours: three Christmas-themed slices of advice from our days at The Athletic.
Happy Holidays, stay safe, and be nice to each other.
The following originally appeared in The Athletic on December 22, 2017.
Dear Faux Pelini,
My wife and I were raised with different Christmas tree customs — star vs. angel on top. How can we find a compromise as we start our own family tradition?
Brian T.
Dear Brian,
Before we get into this, let’s acknowledge that there is no right answer for what goes on the top of a damn Christmas tree. A star works just fine and so does an angel, but one is more familiar to you, so you like it better.
That’s how new Christmas traditions work — you and your wife are each going to subconsciously favor what’s familiar, because putting up a Christmas tree with a new spouse is fun but also secretly sort of scary. It means the Christmas tree at your parents’ house isn’t the Main Tree anymore. So you’ll try to make your new tree resemble your childhood tree so it doesn’t feel like you’re totally leaving that world behind, and you’ll get annoyed when she tries to do the same thing. Before you know it, you’re arguing over a star and an angel but not really over those things at all.
The way out of this mess is to make your tree a new thing together. Not a goofy mishmash of your childhood trees, but a new tree that didn’t exist until you got married. Sure, you can import a couple of things from your former Main Trees. But for the top, don’t choose a star or an angel — choose something else, something new.
I recommend a picture of a fake football coach in a sweater holding a cat. But that’s just me.
The following originally appeared in The Athletic on December 15, 2017.
Dear Faux Pelini,
At what point is it OK to stop sending someone a Christmas card?
Scot R.
Hi Scot,
It’s always OK to stop sending Christmas cards, because nobody cares about your Christmas cards. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but your friends either throw your Christmas cards away (and feel a moment of guilt about it) or they don’t throw them away (and feel annoyed because now they have to put them in the weird display thing in the kitchen). Don’t feel bad — we do this with every Christmas card we receive, not just yours.
Almost nobody notices when they don’t get a Christmas card. A Christmas card isn’t a letter your friend sends to you, it’s a letter your friend sends to everybody. It’s not special. Sure, some friends try to personalize their cards by writing MERRY XMAS!! with a red Sharpie, but they do that on everybody’s card, so that doesn’t even work.
Scot, I bet you send Christmas cards partly because as you get older, friendships that used to be really important to you are starting to fade away, and that makes you sad. So, you call upon the U.S. Postal service to help maintain these friendships.
The thing is, if a friendship is slowing down, the mailman isn’t going to save it. Only you and your friend can do that. Call your friend, visit your friend, text your friend.
And if you don’t feel like doing any of those things, save a stamp and don’t burden your friend with a card he’s either going to trash or hate. Your dog isn’t that cute anyway.
The following originally appeared in The Athletic on December 15, 2017.
Dear Faux Pelini,
What should I get my wife for Christmas?
Colin B.
Dear Colin,
You are your wife’s husband, so the pressure is on — your Christmas gifts have to be a notch above the rest. Her friends are going to ask “What did Colin get you??” and she will need a satisfactory response.
Now, any guy can buy nice stuff at the jewelry counter. And you do have to buy that stuff once in a while, because you have to.
But you also need to give Mrs. Colin at least one Christmas gift that’s personal and specific to her, to show her that she didn’t make a terrible life choice by marrying you. There are two ways you can do this:
1. Make It Yourself. This is the harder path, but it’s worth a shot because the margin for error is enormous. Your wife will love even a crappy wooden bench or weekend getaway to Milwaukee if you build or plan it yourself. The effort is the gift; the actual thing doesn’t matter much. Suburban fridges are plastered with shitty kindergarten drawings of sunsets and sharks, but every mom loves them anyway because they were made for her. So draw your wife a shark.
2. Give the Forgotten. Give her something that she mentioned she wanted at some point but has forgotten about. This is easier than making the gift yourself but requires some year-round attention. It might be a book she wanted to read back in April, or some shoes she saw at your friend’s wedding a couple months ago. Take notes throughout the year, then when December rolls around have the Amazon Man bring one or two of these things to your house. When she opens it and says “You remembered!” you’ll know you won Christmas — and again, the actual gift won’t even matter.
Oh, one last thing — let’s never let your wife know that you asked a fake football coach on the internet what you should get her for Christmas. This is for your own good.
Look at me, I'm important. I'm also somehow sad that the things I'm reading from a fake football coach on the Internet aren't about a subject I like. Woah is me! It's like he didn't tell me what was in the blog in the first place!
You were fun when you were faux Pelini and about football. I can get Christmas advice anywhere. Go back to football--certainly a lot to talk about. I'd just as soon get Bo back.